Been awhile

Well, yes...I have been absent for some time. Really processing where I have been and where I am going in my life. I feel like being a military wife has somehow made me less deserving of belonging...anywhere. We have given everything and in return we are lost people. I find myself wanting to be that person that has lived in the same community for 20 years and is surrounded by their family. Their kids grow up knowing their family and spending time with them. Their friends are built in. The securities of everyday are just a given. You are comfortable in your surroundings. You know where you are going literally and figuratively. You have a life outside of military installations and pcs orders. You plan for long term by buying a home and unpacking your boxes. I on the other hand by a home and figure out how to keep paying for it when the time comes for the army to move us again. I never unpack what we don't absolutely need because it just makes more work later when it is time to pack again.

Why do I buy a home? It is simple. I want that security that everyone else seems to have. I want to belong somewhere. I want my children to have a "room" that is for them and no one else. Obviously, that sounds all well and fine but, it doesn't work. It is not home, we don't live there long and eventually, we are left with the responsibility of a rental house that someone else is calling home. Two houses later, I am finally figuring it out. Yes, we are still paying out of pocket each month for that house because I am a hard head and I have to figure it out for myself. Meanwhile, I am living in someone elses house and paying their mortgage too.

I am sad when I think that we have no community, no friends, no security, no place when our children leave that they will call home. I just don't think that most people understand the sacrafice that our families make. Yes, we could have gotten out but can you really just throw 16 years of work down the toilet? I don't think that it would make sense to do so. That is the only thing that we keep holding on to for security and that doesn't say much...retirement is coming..just not fast enough.

We have given so much and we continue to give. I raise my children alone. They are proud of their father. They don't really understand at their age why we can't be like other people. I guess I don't really understand it either. We are a special family. We have learned to pull together and take advantage of all of the little things we are given. We have a great appreciation for the people that have touched our lives. Believe it or not, there are few. It is like you know so many people and have so many "friends" yet when it comes down to it, you are on your own.

I am proud of my husband. I am sad for my kids. I am torn between who I have become and who I want to be. I like myself but know that I can be more.

I see my family every other year or every third year maybe. There is no guarantee. You see, I cannot find employment. I have a Masters Degree but because we move regularly, I have no job consistency and it seemed more important to be available to my children each time that we moved to a new, unfamiliar location so I don't have the experience or the retention that is expected. People don't care about the circumstance and they surely don't understand the life that we have lived.

I don't have the income to travel. There are three of us that would need to travel. Money like that on a soldiers income is just not possible. I wanted to contribute to my children in so many ways. One of those was financially. They watched me struggle through school. They struggled with me. We relied on each other to get through. We did it. Now, they watch me struggle financially because at this point my education hasn't carried me through all of the transitions. We cannot afford to do many of the things that we have wanted. We get by though and we have what we need. We are thankful for that and we do count our blessings for what we do have everyday.